DREAM TRAPPER

 

Haiiiiiiiiiii!!!! watashi desu!!! mou, ohisashiburi jyanai desuka?

Sou da ne… mada mada wasuretetta!

Aaa!!! Ano… kyou wa atashi no kimochi sugokuu hontou ni kanashii desu!

Naze desuka? Sou, kore da ne…

 

hahaha….don’t you understand what am I saying? nope. so do I. I just said it ramdomnly.

Oke, if I translate it, it would be like this. I am feeling so sad.

You know exactly what I mean.

Yes. It’s still regarding the latest issue. the DD program. and my ruined heart. LOL. in case you forget read here

Finally my friends, 4 of them. Ugun, Septa, Adel, and Indra got the DD scholarship in Mie Univ, Japan.

That’s my dream that will never be filled. Because now I’m here, in my graduate course and have to graduate soon as what that scholarship giver say it to me. Here. In my Indonesia Campus and try to get my master – M.Il, Master Ilmu Lingkungan (Master of Environmentalist –eng) soon.

Yes, I’ve to work hard to achieve that for next months later. Wish me luck minna <3

But, I can not lie, I can not hide that I really wanna study in Japan badly and try to be graduated in Japanese Podium, Japanese Ceremonial and Using Japanese outfit for graduation, and also a Parchment about my license in Japanese!!!! aaaaa… it’s so dorama-ish. I wanna try that one!!! LOL.

Fortunately or unfortunately, idk which one is right, I can not afford that for my master degree.

Then my only chance is must get PhD from Japan, but PhD is too long 3-4 years and it will takes years which commonly ordinary Indonesian girl like me have to continue her life such as marriage toka have children toka have permanent job toka arimasu.

Tbh I can study master again if I want, in my mayor that I wanna study it badly. Biomedical. but I have spent this time for so long, so I don’t wanna waste my time and choose this way, that Allah has choose for me.

yes. I will continue my concern as environmentalist. hope this mayor could bring me to make sustainable environment for humankind and also for my allowance/money. LOL.

OK, back to the real reason why I wrote this.

Anyway, I still couldn’t move on. Mada Shinjirarenai naaa Atashi.

I still couldn’t believe if I wasn’t choosed as DD’s candidate, I say I’m the diligent-est and smartest among my friends *liar* or maybe that’s the truth. I become someone who feel overconfident and in the end, God punished me to makes me wake up if there’re power that stronger than me or strongest among all. God,Allah SWT.

so I understood if the time wasn’t mine. I couldn’t do anything as I want.

Forgive me ya Allah, Yaa Razak. Yaa Ghafuur.

Hence, to healing this “pain” I try to move closer to my God, try to be nice and listen people’s suggestion about healing my heart’s hurt.

at first I have an Idea to letting go my dreams off. but… now… I realized, I Have to keep this dreams until it’s becomes true. But don’t make it with high expectation or I will fall down down down again.

there’s a quote : “simple things become complicated when you expect too much”

So OK. I will obey that rule, with stay putting my dream hanging and I’ll try to reach it.

Back to this tittle “dream trapper” what was that?

Actually idk what was that for exactly, it’s just my terminology that I made to make a hope/motivation inside myself.

I always say if I am the dream catcher, so I will do that, but…. my thesis of  collecting insect using a trap give me an idea. How if I catch my dream using a trap?

OK, you’ll think I’m insane indeed, but, psychologically or religiously, finally I found a way.

Dream = work + pray + luck.

Dream = pray/work/luck.

I did all of that formulas, in the end, I failed twice ; first when I have no pray, 2nd when I have no luck/pray.

So, after I read some publication, in the end I knew if pray is the most important thing than all, I mean it must be no.1 priority.

In my religion, we knew if word could be turn into pray, and we need to ask Allah to guide us in the right way.

because of that, all the fails plan that makes me down is Allah’s way to wake me if there’s something to be founded by me down there and use it to go upper.

And there’s some stories that mentioned if word finally turned to be reality.

So I will do a game about dat, ups I mean an experiment.

I will write my dreams here, and let’s see if this thing could turn into reality or not. this one I called it, a trapper. OK. I will update and cite this article if one of these dream comes true. but if it wasn’t I will update it too. actually there’s no limited times to say, but I will try for one year first.

I am in Kinkakuji, Kyoto. My lovely city and I hope will live in there someday.

What dream that will be written? Ok here we go…. (now, all this dream is related to my passion to take a degree above master level. Ok, I said here we go again.

1. I wanna go to Japan again this year!!! (2015)!

2. This autumn and winter in 2015, I will go to Japan again (esp. Kyoto).

3. I will have PhD in Japan

4. I will take PhD from Kyoto University.

5. or, I will take PhD from Mie University, if they are offering me again for the 3rd times!

6. If Mie University offered again for the PhD to me, it means it’s 3rd times and there’s no reason for rejected it again.

OK only those things those things tha I wanna say, keep calm and keep healthy minna

Wish me luck, if I win then I will share my happiness to to you guys and I’ll pray for you  = my best friend.

My Feeling back-now-forward

 

Hi, this is me again, I abandoned my not-so-beautiful blog.

I wrote some, but then I left it, now I will continue that one but I will explain it with the concerned condition.

This was written at 24 Dec 2014. 16 : 11

“I still couldn’t believe with was I going through to this so far.

If I recalled one back year. In this month one year ago, It’s officially announced if I was accepted as a master student in this environmental study major. Yes. one step closer!!! One step Closer with my dream!!!

My dream is I wanna go to Japan, life in Japan and study in Japan.

Eh? what’s the relation between I was enrolled in PSMIL Unpad and going to Japan.

Hmm... there’s one.

This PSMIL Unpad has a program, called Double Degree Program regarding environmental study, one in Twentee Univ, Netherland and the other one in Mie University, Japan. Fortunately I enrolled for DD Mie Course. Then... Yeay!!!! It’s only one step again!!! One step until I reach my dream!!!

Month by Month has passed, I don’t want to say this but, finally I made very good improvement in my college, you can say me maybe I am a student who got very good result in my academic…. |”

OK. that’s the ending.. at that time I seriously broken into pieces until I couldn’t continue my write.

I will continue what the reason then, this time, my mental condition feel better than last time I wrote.

Here we go..

“Yes, me. I made improvement on my academic result. I did everything seriously. I try to be selected for DD candidate who’s allowed to get double degree and live in Japan for one year.

but destiny told it ways.

In the middle of my study, there’s a chance to get short course to Tokyo University, unfortunately just my friend who has been chosen and not me. I ever post it in here read me

Then, I feel my self ruined. I try to explain that too in that post.

I am telling everything and I am healing myself then I focused on my goal and reset up my mind.

You know, it worked! at that time I just laid my self to Allah destiny, then few weeks after…. my lecturer offered me another program to stay in Japan for 40 days in MIE UNIVERSITY.

OMG, Allah proved me that I’ve to be grateful for whatever that I have.

And I officially landed my self in Japan land on October 29. 2014. I will post that later.

But you know what, 41 days next after, I’m back home to Indonesia and guessed what?

The deadline for applying DD was so close with my arrival date!

And I didn’t prepare anything yet!

Um, tbh, actually I already knew about that when I almost depart from Indonesia to Japan. At that time, I was called if the deadline is a time when I was in japan.

Like an egg who’s laying on the edge of the thorn. I’m gonna die. Bye bye my dream.

You know why, it’s because my planned has ruined, or it was not according to the plan.

TOEFL test. crappy, heck, dammit. bloody howl.

I failed again. first I thought the TOEFL test that I took just before I went to Japan will pay success for me, but it wasn’t.

I’m crying, I just regret my self for not studying hard or didn’t took the TOEFL test long time before I went and get the qualified score. STUPID ME.

But I promise my self if my journey wouldn’t go like this, hey-ho! I will going to Japan, I’m not supposed to be sad, am I?

Then after I arrived in Japan, I try to lobby whoever who attach this DD program both in Indonesia and Japan. Thanks godness I have second chance. Everyone support me.

Even my Supervisor in Japan insist me to always studying English. But you know, I think I poorly could understand English. How can I… the one who get course in English before but still not passed, could learn English by my own self? alone?

I think it was really impossible.

Then, you know, I ever feel embarassed, because I caught up when I watch ‘Kindaichi-Anime’ instead of study English. “Sensei, trust me, I studied! just take a bit rest because I didn’t understand anything T_T”

I owe my sensei’s support.

In Japan, I also owe big help from my Indonesian friend in Mie (PPI MIE) who take deep pray for my succeed in TOEFL. Love Them A Lot.

And the 08th of December was coming,

it means I have to back to Indonesia.

You know, my spirit still not decrease at that time, while me in Japan, my friends in Indonesia always support me, even Adella (remember who went to Todai) really helped me a lot.

She registered me to take another TOEFL test that held before the due date of examination for DD program.

I really owe her help.

Gunawan (ugun) also help me to cheers me up to follow his ways to get another source of funds just if I was left and didn’t get the scholarship.

I owe one also from him.

And Also my classmates who always support me when I have to do e-exam (septa, wimal, wati,kang indra also.)

December 09th 2014.

I arrived in Indonesia around 08.00 AM. I picked up by my family, I directly to my brother in law’s office to get documents for my interview for another fund (scholarship). He prepared everything.

I also owe a lot from him and his family.

10.00 a.m : I take the examination such as interview and such until 06.00 PM all in a day. and I really tired.

My families still waiting for me until finished that, I even didn’t the ‘welcome acting’ that I should shown.

07.00 PM : I give the bag that I borrow from my senior back.

07.15 PM : I and my family heading to my mother’s home in my Home Town.

I owe my family helps.

in 10.00 PM finally I arrive in my other home, she was sick at that time, but everyone really excited waiting for me.

until 11.00 PM I gave omiyage then I sleep.

You know? in the next day I have to back to Bandung to prepare TOEFL test.

TOEFL test will be held in the day of tomorrow 11/12/2014 and the one and only available for me is one in Jakarta.

Yes, I’m not joking. after today back to Bandung, the next day, I went to Jakarta for that test.

In Jakarta even kang suryo help me to show the test’s place.

I owe him another help.

the result will come one week after and I really want to passed my test this time.

While I ‘m waiting for the result, there’re several test for DD candidate ;

psychology test in the next Tuesday. starting two days from morning to evening.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW TIRED I AM?!

So I thought I will not make anything maximum.

Ok, it was OK. I did that test too, and it looks like that I got high score too, you know everyone thought I'm clever but yea, actually I'm not sure enough.

Now today is Friday.

One week after my TOEFL test.

I call the language center for several times and finally they emailed me.

they told me that I have XXX score, it means I didn’t pass again and can not be the DD candidate.

I know it was just a little more to reach qualified score, but I don’t have any time again.

Just like my heart was cut into two pieces, I really want to dig my grave and hiding in the earth.

I really disappointed for that.

I wanna cry but I can’t, Adel and kang indra were beside me at that time, I don’t want to make them worry too much for me. Even Adel’s eyes seems teary. OMG. No. I-AM-FINE-GUYS. And I just laughed and sometimes joking, pretend to cry, and complain.

I think Adel know me so well, as we both Japan lover. So she accompanied me to take an early dinner, just to forget this matter. Thanks so much. I owe lot of things from her, maybe without I aware.

In the next day… in the next month…

I cursed my self. I regret my stupidness, I complain to God because he sent me to Japan in the time that I need to prepare for reaching one year living, not short time visiting. I regret why I didn’t change my postion for sakura program (that held only 8 days) before I took the 40 days program, so I will have many times for preparation. I regret why I was chosen to be this 40 days program then I trouble my self for long distance studying, late for exam, and not study in the class with my friends, because that time is our last semester together. I also feel to blame one of my friend is a must because he always complaining in the wrong time when I did my hard work and he just pretend to be nothing.

My GPA was not required!!! You don’t have to be clever, you don’t have to be ontime in your assignment, NOT AT ALL! as long you still have not passed TOEFL you still STUPID INDEED!

I HATE THEM ALL!

I HATE ME!

I think EVERYTHING GOES WRONG!!

WRONG! and WRONG!

Yea, it was really, really hard to forget it.

WHY?

If you don’t know me just opened my previous post to see how targeted I am to reach my dream.

But… Slowly I try to face it, Have to fade away…

This is have to be ended soon.

I have to move on and continue my life.

3 Months later..

I aware, I‘m awake.

How can I blame my destiny to God, to Allah?

How can I blame Allah?

How can I turned to be stupid like that?

The chance 40 days leaving Indonesia to Japan is the greatest chance that Allah give to me.

I shouldn’t be forgetful like that, I shouldn’t be stupid like that.

I have to beg a pardon from ALLAH, ALLAH always take care me in this life.

I have to thankful to ALLAH.

I really shame on my self, I just concerned to a dream – only a wish,

I forget, Allah has set my destiny.

Allah give me that I need not what I want,

I need to know Japan, and I need to feel the happiness for knowing living in Japan.

It’s only 40 days but he gave me everything that I need. It means a lot for me, then How can I???

Ya Allah forgive me. astagfirullahaladzim…

now I know, this is my ways, this is my fate, my destiny, my journey that will be different from my friends.

but at least Allah allowed me to be THE FIRST person of MY CLASS who study in MIE,

I am the first from ALL.

Now, I just need to continue this journey, I will follow Allah’s rule that have been created for me.

I will write another history.

Though deep in my heart, idk why but I think I will reunited with my friends in Japan. Soon. Amin.

Now, this is. The new me.

please pray for me, and I will always try to make proud for the everyone who loved me.

This is my life. My journey. and this is me. Nova Dewi Lestari.

 

PS :

Hamdallah I think I have leaved a good impression in Mie, my Supervisor offered me to take PhD for this year also. 2 times he asked me, but Idk, I’m not sure about that and just considering it first, I have another goal (esp to makes my mother happy, though I really wanna go to Japan and take PhD badly) but. I always believe. If there’s my chance t go back to Japan, or to take PhD then I’ll go back.

 

Thanks for everyone who always helped me. I owe you a lot.

Look at that picture : at least I proved that I’m the first one in my class who come to Mie University